To my great surprise, a few months ago, I agreed to work in a Chinese kindergarten. Those who know me well, know that when I teach, I usually choose to work with adults or teenagers. The reasons for that are multifold. Partly, I like intellectual pursuits and discussion – you don’t get that with 4-year olds. I also prefer to work with people who want to be in your classroom. You usually only get that with adults, although I’ve had some spectacular teenagers with enviable intrinsic motivation. Partly, I try to avoid stereotypically ‘female’ jobs, and of course, I see the hypocrisy in that – by turning my nose up at ‘women’s’ work, I only continue to devalue women in the same way that men usually do.
I did spend my teenaged years babysitting successfully and frequently, but following that, I’ve kept children out of my life. Mostly, I’m just not drawn to them like women are ‘supposed to’ be. I don’t have a ticking biological clock. But, as I’ve come to realize and speak out more about now that I’m 40 and committed to uncovering the source of some of my hang-ups, I’m afraid of hurting children as I’ve been hurt.
I come from an abusive family. My mother disliked children. She had been abused as a child by a brutal, narcissistic mother. And the abused became the abuser in almost exactly the same way. She terrorized me over years of emotional and psychological abuse. I escaped when I was 20, but I’ve always been afraid of turning out to be a monster like her. No kids for me, thank you. But I know that I am different. I have empathy and self-awareness unlike the two before me. I have plenty of other problems, don’t worry 
but I’m not an abuser. It has taken me 20 years to be able to accept and say this.
Anyhow, I’ve just spent almost 2 glorious months with a group of fantastic, little beings, and I wanted to do a pictorial celebration of them as I say good bye and head off to Nanjing to teach 20-year-olds.
Ahh! My last year of work exactly! I agree there is no in between. It’s either kindergarten or adults for me.
good for you for sticking it out for more than one year in a row. it’s easier to find better things once you get the lay of the land, make some connections, and figure out how things work (and don’t)…
One year of public schools and then I found the kindie job. It’s a million times better than getting sourced out to public schools.
ick, I can imagine. what age group was the public school? some of my high school classes had 65 kids. I know, it is perfect for oral language learning – what am I complaining about???
I did anywhere from Grade 1 to Grade 12. While Grade 1-4 are noisy they can still be cute. Grade 5-10 are just obnoxious teenage fools , and Grade 11-12 are just so silent and scared to talk. Oh god. I haven’t had to do quite that big of a class , 40 was max for me.
Wonderful post and the pictures of the children are just darling!
Given your childhood, what an enormous, scary step it must have been to take that job! You tested yourself and passed, bigtime!
Empathy is the key to breaking any cycle of abuse,Imo. My boys have struggled with the same psychological burden as you. Their father (who I divorced when the oldest was 12) was/is a mean, angry, abusive person with an inability to put himself in anyone else’s shoes. As my sons have grown into men they’ve worried so much about handling anger appropriately and getting caught in the next-gen cycle as sometimes happens.
Your experience is a wonderful illustration of putting the past where it belongs; not everyone can do that! ..I hope you know how remarkable this is!
Thank you so much for your kind words, sharing and insights. I completely agree with you on perspective-taking as being the key to healing. I’m so glad your sons are making realizations early, and that they have such good support in you.
It can take a long time to connect dots… I personally have a long way to go, but better late than never. It really is a grieving process. Writing helps immensely
I really empathize with what you’ve written here. I come from a similar background and don’t have kids for much the same reason. Thank you for having the courage to write about this.
~Nicki
Thank you so much for your comment. I think there are more of us then we realize…
Writing is a great healer. I respect and honor your bravery in sharing your story, and
taking the job teaching those kids [glad you shared their photos - they are too *cute*]
Thank you for your kind words
I completely agree with writing as a wonderful healing tool. I’m working on developing a course in writing through the grieving process – for a Western audience, that is.