fa la la la la, la la la la
I promise my next two posts will be more inspiring, but I have something disturbing to talk about. As I promote writing as a healing tool in my work, I feel absolutely compelled to write about a really horrible experience I had at the receiving end of a Christian minister’s vitriol the other day. I mean, I’ve experienced religious hatred many times through my life, but this was my first time receiving an assault that was meant for me personally.
Pre-Background
First, before the background, I will clarify that I am a bonifide heathen/atheist/agnostic (depending on the day). I have explored many religions on a surface level, and have been frightened away early on usually because of one or more of the following a) sexism, b) hatred of outside groups, c) social conservatism, d) manipulation and social pressure, or e) impossible-to-adopt practices. I choose to espouse the idea that you are free to believe whatever the heck you want, as long as you keep it in your home or place of worship and out of public affairs, and as long as you don’t harass, condemn or hurt others with your beliefs. Further, I generally don’t celebrate Christmas as I am neither religious nor a materialist – if I do engage in celebration at the time of year that is Christmas, it is only as a symbol of friendly togetherness and sharing of time, food, and laughs.
Background
As some may know, my background is in psychology and health policy and research. I’ve recently been taking a course in coaching, with the aim to work with clients dealing with grief (particularly in relation to issues of identity and non-death-related loss). I was supposed to be finished with my course in October – my major projects are complete and submitted, but I’ve been held up by the partner work – work in which we take turns coaching and acting as client for one another. Sadly, my wonderful partner became ill in the summer, and I was unable to be re-partnered until November. My instructor paired me up with an American Christian minister. I figured that would be a new and interesting experience for me.
The first get-to-know-you discussion was iffy for me. The guy was a fast talker and was grandiose in his sense of self-importance. He also had been in the course for far longer than I had, but not only hadn’t done any of the projects, but didn’t have a clue what he had to do to get the credential…(wut ?) But what the heck, I wanted to get my course done. He was happy for me to do the leg work in scheduling and arranging. Fine. But then the trouble began. There was a missed appointment. There was a last minute rescheduling. He seldom answered my emails or phone messages, especially when I needed him to send me some information. He took phone calls in the middle of our sessions. In isolation, these things are not such a huge deal, but they were piling up. And then there was the most recent session with him. As coach and client, we do share personal information. It is a relationship of trust and focus and support. Towards the end of my session as client, it became clear he wasn’t listening to me. I realized he was taking and answering text messages on his cell phone. All of a sudden, he told me to call him back in 2 minutes. I did. Nothing. Three more phone calls and two emails. Nothing. Then three hours later, I got an email, but no apology. I asked him to send me information so that I could finish my report. Nothing. I had already issued one complaint to the instructor, but I decided that this was probably not a situation that was working for me.
I made a pact with myself on my 40th birthday this year that I would not act as a doormat for anyone else again, and that I would allow myself to express my feelings to people. So I wrote the fellow an email telling him that he should not be taking personal calls during a professional session, and that not responding to my phone calls and emails was unacceptable and disrespectful. He wrote back a horrible, abusive email. He blamed me for not being religious, implying that he was better than me because he was religious. Despite previously saying he couldn’t do the course without me, he now said that I hadn’t helped him at all as he had GOD. He did a full character assassination of me and threw a lot of the information I had shared with him in my face. The weirdest part was that he had been fully supportive of the goals I had been working on and the materials I had developed for my business, and in this email, he trashed everything I did. And he told me I had serious problems and needed help. Wow. The hate that poured off the email took me aback. Needless to say, I didn’t respond to it, and I have informed the instructor.
Lesson Learned?
Is it normal for Christians to hate and lie and take others for granted and fail to take responsibility for their actions? Should I be wary or warier?
Let’s just say, if I am forced to take on yet another partner for my course, I am going to specifically request that s/he is not a Christian minister. They just can’t handle us heathens, and I’d like to keep my other cheek intact…
And now that we have established you have two cheeks, you do that!
Joking aside, just had to write that.
Good grief.
I don’t know what it is. Sounds like a particularly bad egg you got partnered with and I think sometimes the religion thing just gives an already bad egg the whole self-righteous attitude as well, a definite deal breaker. UGH. Nope. Charlotte doesn’t do religions. Can’t. Out of curiousity I have read about them, extensively, and can’t do it. Thought I couldn’t and when I finished with the Bible I knew I couldn’t. There were nice parts, believe me there were. Hey, I even quoted you my favorite verse, but oh my goodness, there were so many parts I just shook my head about. Actually shook my head is a nice way of describing some of my reactions. Particularly, as you mentioned, the treatment of women, there is no way I could be part of something that subjugates 51% of the population. So now that our children are older we celebrate Festivus, for the fun of it, (just love Seinfeld) and we make presents for each other and for Christmas Eve dinner we go to Waffle House (a long story) and tip the waitress a quite large sum of money and enjoy the honest expression of gratitude she express for something unexpected.
Anyway, that’s my long-winded way of telling you it’s okay. You unfortunately came across someone who cannot own any of his own shortcomings, we all have them, and hey it’s alright to have them, but we need to recognize them and only through our own recognition, by sitting down to tea with them, can we work through them and use to use the compassion we learn to show ourselves through the act of honest self-improvement to become truly compassionate to others. He sounds like he takes what he cannot deal with, stuffs it, while hiding under the cover of something else (in this case, his god) and then when something triggers him, when something challenges him, (in this case, you) he responds by pummeling others with those unresolved issues he can no longer keep stuffed. He cannot be honest with himself so he blamed you because you were there and because it’s easier than doing the real work. I hope you can dust yourself off and then distance yourself from him. Chin up, there are more partners in the world and think of the “how not to do things” education you just got.
Thanks for such a great comment.
I think I’ve mostly processed him. His comments really sucked, but I think it was mostly the lies and betrayal under the cloak of moral superiority that really got me. It has helped me to first pretend someone else is telling me the story and then think about what I would say to that person. Okay, yeah, so I end up talking to myself (what’s new…?) And then I try to do what you you talked about – think about the situation in terms of me being convenient for him. The attack is not about me, but about him and whatever has happened in his past that he hasn’t resolved (for all of us, the way we act with others is the result of the patterns we have developed, healthy or not). I also tell myself that even if part of it IS about me, we cannot please all of the people all of the time – especially when they are full-blown narcissists – you can never please them, actually.
On a lighter note, I love that you celebrate Festivus. Love the waffle thing too (probably different meaning for you, but to me, that would be a tribute to the spectacular Amy Poehler and her character on Parks and Recreation).
Serenity now!
Oh, and as you love Amy Poehler I love Frank Costanza!
Chin up girl. As i often say, this too shall pass.
It certainly will. Once my instructor bothers to get back to me about potential solutions (he seems to be taking his sweet time…), things will be even better!
oh and btw, I had to pause after your first sentence and laugh
You gotta laugh, you always gotta laugh!
You have taken the words right outta my mouth. I consider laughing frequency to be a measure of how ‘okay’ I am. If I have a hard time remembering how many days have gone by since I last laughed, I know something is seriously wrong.
My first clue that this was going to go wrong was when you wrote “American Christian Minister”. OK, I was born and raised in the States, but I never found a church home and continue to seek a spiritual path at age 54. I will one experience that pushed me away (there were many). At 22 I was living in Ann Arbor, MI- in grad school. Went to a Presbyterian Church and put in my name as someone interested in the church. I was visited by a couple- two members of the church- who, following chit chat, proceded to try and recruit me to sell Amway products. How bizarre is that?!
And so it went. In my forties, I met a Catholic priest, uncle of my partner, and discovered a kind, compassionate, open-minded individual. He was a rare bird. He died several years ago- and is greatly missed. I could go on- there are other socio-political issues that continue to separate me from”organized” religion- but I have discovered amazing individuals who restore my faith.
I am SO sorry you had to endure such an experience and am GLAD you spoke your peace!! I continue to struggle with those who claim to represent God, yet seem to drive wedges between people and the path to spiritual understanding…
Thank you so much for sharing your experience
I am so glad you can say that you had one positive experience with a spiritual leader. That is very fortunate and inspiring. I am inclined to think that one must carve out one’s own spiritual existence, although I realize that having a sense of community is one reason that people are attracted to organized religion.
Yes, the Amway business does sound weird. Manipulative…
I guess I’m glad that I’m not a person seeking guidance through religion, as I think this experience would have been a huge blow to me. I do continue to believe in universal moral principles, which transcend membership- and punishment/reward-based systems of morality such as those used in religion.
Anyhow, onward and upward!
Good Villager, you are just that, a good villager. The American Christian behaved, in his terms, like a Pharisee. He needs a good dose of Zen. We live in a global village. That’s the here and now we ignore at our peril.
Like West Seventh Freelance, I’ve been blessed to know one great RC priest, but I’ve also encountered a great Presbyterian minister, who happened to be black, a Zen monk, a Lutheran minister, an Anglican priest who is a woman and an Anglican Bishop who fostered that woman’s career. Put ‘em all together and you’d have more than two or three gathered together in the name of what they believe in, spiritual leaders of a very good village.
I’m glad you’ve been able to put that American Christian jerk behind you. He’s the one who needs help, and looks to be unlikely to find it until he allows the scales to fall from his eyes.
Be well.
Hi George – you are blessed indeed. I’m hoping I will have some future good experiences to balance out the nonsense.
I really do hope this fellow eventually sees the true light. I’d like to believe revelations can happen, even later in life. Better late than never, yes?
I appreciate your honesty in the post T. I also enjoyed reading all the comments. You are very patient, I would have complained way sooner. No one should ever take something you’d shared with him “in confidence” and chuck it back at you in that demeaning way. That is totally unacceptable. I hope he gets kicked out of the program. I don’t know what makes the religious in the US walk around with that mightier than thou attitude.
When I moved to the US I couldn’t believe the way people spent so money [on their credit cards] at each of the holidays -not only Christmas – but valentine’s day and mother’s day buying gifts that no one wanted anyway.
We also celebrated Festivus and Solmis at our house. I told my kids that I left a note on the chimney for Santa to go to the houses of the poor children.
Starting at the end, I love the message you gave your children! That is part of the origin of hanging stockings by the fireplace, actually. Legend has it coins was left by Saint Nicholas in a poor child’s stocking left to dry overnight by the fire. Variations on the story of course, but the message is there.
Sadly, no word yet from my course instructor. I’m sure he has also been bombarded by emails or calls by the minister, and must sort through the he said/she said during the pre-holiday madness. Fortunately, I had sent in one complaint prior to this incident when the guy missed a session and wouldn’t respond to any of my messages. Further, the instructor has a record of the work I have already submitted, so hopefully I am credible and we can come up with a solution that will get me finished with the course ASAP. What he does with the minister – well, I’ve washed my hands of it – but I know that the ‘school’ is a company rather than a professional ethics-regulated educational institute. Money talks. Personally, I don’t think this man should be working with sensitive personal information and/or vulnerable people, but I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways (?).
Happy Festivus!
whether the man was ‘christian’, heathen or whatever, he was a jerk. Karma, he will know about that soon enough. Jerks are jerks no matter where or what religion they come from. stay strong and go forward.
Too true. Being a jerk is a quality that transcends group affiliation.
Thanks for your encouragement!
Don’t believe that the Zen-scene or generally Buddhists are doing better. I never was so attacked and insulted like at the online-community “Tricycle”. The percentage of mentaly disturbed people is usually higher in religious groups and the answer why such systems are lasting so long in history, was given in this discussion: Because there are no Christians, what means, no one really cares about the whole ethical system, he’s believing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3lwG4MytSI&feature=fvst
http://www.atheistcensus.com/
Thank you very much for the link. I hadn’t seen that video, and I’m always looking for new authors to read. I’m not American, but I feel encouraged by atheists, such as those featured in the video, slowly gathering the courage to speak out against the terrible things going on in the US. And outspoken, moral, intelligent atheists can only benefit all humanity.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve also fallen under religious attack. Nobody deserves that.
I agree that Christianity doesn’t have the market on the mentally ill or on abuse of non-members. And I agree that religion, in general, is a safe haven for the disturbed. I think religion attracts more of these folks perhaps because it doesn’t require one to take full personal responsibility for one’s actions and beliefs. Ultimately, the ‘god’ is made out to be more important than other human beings, even though the latter are tangible and real, and the former is only a concept. An extreme example of this, generalizable to lesser cases, I think: I just watched a documentary on police and military torture practices around the world. One Christian, police-employed torturer of black activists in South Africa believed that forgiveness from his victims was unimportant and unnecessary as it was only forgiveness from his god (which was guaranteed, of course) that mattered in the end. Interestingly, he showed absolutely no remorse for his actions, but he was absolutely positive that his place in heaven was guaranteed. I believe that when people are led to understand they have a guarantee, they no longer have to be personally responsible for their actions.
Anyhow, we must try to do the right thing, whether religious or not. Ethics exist as universal principles.