I don’t make resolutions typically, but I’m in the middle of trying to decide whether the mounting nonsense that is my job in China is worth it.
First, the photos, then the conundrum…
Working in China ALWAYS involves endurance. But I’m a veteran, and I find that on several points, I’ve become quite able to just accept the bulls*** and move on. But with the relatively new job that I’ve taken, there has been an inordinate amount of stuff to deal within a very short space of time, and I am finding that I flip back and forth constantly about whether I should continue on here next semester. So this post is an attempt to resolve the issue.
The things working against me are the following:
- A massive 24/7 construction project going on outside my staff housing – since it’s not run by the university, we have no say in the matter (see my post and photos: All I Need is the Air that I Breathe… and Construction on this business);
- The heaping on of extra work at exam time that only applied to me, and NOT the three foreign men who also work here;
- The growing suspicion that I am being compensated less than the men (especially the ones who just graduated from college, have no job experience, and spend more time drinking than planning their lessons);
- The recently-heard gossip that the school is planning on making me teach 4 weeks more than the men next semester without being compensated more. I issued an inquiry to the program director – she is getting pissed with me, and without giving me any information, said, “Oh, things will be fair.” I will find out the truth on this matter in a few days…
- The constant, no-warning turning off of power for anywhere from 20 minutes to several hours in the staff housing. It doesn’t affect the rest of the university, and it usually occurs when I have internet-based communication planned for the online course I’m taking. It is making me look unreliable and unprofessional when I don’t show up for meetings online.
- The frigid state of my cement-block, cheaply constructed apartment with no heating. It is below freezing here, and it is colder in the apartment than in my refrigerator – actually, things keep better if I leave them on my counter…
- The recent demolition of a building just outside my bedroom window. Apparently, the university will start construction on a new building very shortly. I’m betting that it will be a rush job, meaning that construction will be going through the night. I’ve included photos of the destruction above, and yes, it is as close to my living space as it looks. Oh yeah, and they dump all their materials and garbage directly under my window. So, in case it wasn’t clear, now there are two construction projects outside my building going on at the same time.
What to do? I don’t want to have to look for a new job. But at the same time, a certain set of conditions needs to be in place to ensure a general feeling of being human. The big problem is that I really enjoy my students, even the lazy ones. They are awesome. Unfortunately, Chinese employers and colleagues, once they enter the bureaucracy, don’t like to have to deal with what they see as ‘unreasonable foreigner complaints’.
How to resolve this one…
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Reblogged this on RD Revilo.
Okay, here are my only-half-way-through-my 1st-cup-of-coffee early morning thoughts…
1. Can you get a different apartment? That could relieve 4 of the 7 problems you listed. Or, would it be a case of new apartment, same problems?
2. Perhaps you need to see how 2, 3 and 4 are resolved. You may not have enough information yet to make an informed decision. And your activism might actually make a difference here. Or, if the answers are unsatisfactory it might become clear your potential for impact is quite small. This is of course, not a reflection on you but on the system you are in.
3. The list of reasons you don’t like your situation is longer than the paragraph for why you want to stay… is this telling you something? And actually on second look, in that paragraph only 3 of 7 sentences are in support of staying.
Understanding that sometimes the things you don’t like are often the reasons why you stay, meaning, the need to be part of positive change can be strong, but can you change a bureaucracy? Good luck with that. And do you want to spend your precious time banging your head against the wall thinking you are a martyr for a bigger cause? If you can actually make a difference then sacrifice is worth it in the bigger picture, but if the answer is no, then you might want to look deeper at your motivation for possibly allowing unnecessary pain and suffering into your life. No job is perfect, no city or setting is perfect, but some fit us better than others.
And yes, good grief getting a new job can be a dreadful process and for you it is compounded in that you may be looking for a new job and also deciding on what country to live in. But there too is magic. With change comes new possibilities.
Be quiet (go someplace other than your apartment where there is negative energy in you) and really listen to your thoughts and to your body. Tell yourself you are leaving. How does your body feel? Tell yourself you are staying. How does your body feel? When you feel relieve that is your answer!
Okay, all of this from someone who had no more than Psycho 100, (I meant to type Psych and my finger accidentally typed the “o” (was it an accident or the universe speaking truth?) and I thought it actually a rather wonderful error.) and I did horrible in the class, so if you want, pay no mind to the half caffeinated woman typing this response. So, I’ve been going on quiet long now so I will be quiet. But before I go, I ask… could this be the longest comment in WordPress history???
I enjoy all of your comments, long or short and un-, partially, and fully caffeinated
I think it was good for me to write this post as it got most of the issues out of my head on ‘paper’. I very much like your suggestion about connecting with my thoughts and reactions. I think I may try that. I also like that with all of your delightful quirkiness, you have a great rational side. So thank you for laying all that out :O
The cool thing about coming back to China for the third time was that I felt prepared for nonsense, I now know and accept (and don’t necessarily care) that I mostly cannot make a difference here (at least within the classroom – outside, one-on-one is a different story), and I have other stuff that I’m working on that is easier to do if I have an income. Interestingly, I have partially written a post called “It Is, How You Say… Contentment” because until at least the last few weeks, I was feeling surprisingly content with my relatively meaningless job. And I say ‘surprisingly’ because until this past year, I have been a highly stressed out, not-present-in-the-moment, over-achiever, and finally and recently letting go of ambition has resulted in a calm and positivity I’ve not really known more than fleetingly.
But then the last few weeks happened, coupled with the cooped-up-ness of the ankle thing. I am willing to compromise and put up with ‘stuff’, but I absolutely have my limits. Yep, I need to have a conversation with myself on a different level. Cheers, mate!
Wow…I felt anxious and stressed just reading about your life as it is right now. I’m not sure I could endure all that. I can usually cope with life being difficult, as long as in at least one area things are going well and feel nourishing. I’ll look forward to reading how this all pans out for you. Good Luck
Thanks, gm. Strangely, this is less stressful than so many other times. Hmm, that probably sounds weird.
I think, if I dig down to identify the feelings associated with it all, there is more annoyance or maybe disappointment than anything else. I was kind of hoping to put in a few years at this location, or at least a college/university location, save some money, work on improving my Chinese, plan my next step. It would be nice to just be able to do my job without a lot of extraneous garbage to deal with. But something will work out
Firstly, (is that a word?) thank you for the kind words. I mean, really, quirky and rational… I don’t think a finer compliment is possible!!!
And yes, I think writing is very cathartic and the answer will come. Either by you or the way you should go will be thrust upon you, and you know what, don’t fight it, go with it. I have learned the things I fought were somehow not meant to me and when I stopped fighting other things, that were before completely unimaginable came my way. It’s really rather cool when you can learn to just let go and let life happen.
And a sincere congratulations goes out to you, you are indeed learning a very valuable lesson and that is what happiness is and the letting go of what is considered meaningful or meaningless. It’s like beauty, it’s in the eye of the beholder. Why do we judge? Why do we define what is important and not. I have had what many call meaningless jobs and I have loved them. They have allowed me freedom in many ways and when I learned to disregard what people thought of me solely because of the position I held I experienced even greater freedom. To have the choice of doing what you want to do because it’s what you want to do, that’s magic!
Cheers back atcha!
Soooo true. Honestly, I would just like to build a small cob house that runs on solar power, and set up a large protected bee and native plant sanctuary. Exit our cash-based society, and provide educational experiences for myself and all who want them. That would be the ultimate letting go to me. But it takes money to get there, and that’s the rub…
I have come to hate China from reading your entries. I didn’t used to hate it. Keep writing. You are MAKING a difference.
Oh, yikes! I didn’t mean to inspire that. There are so many things I haven’t talked about yet that would inspire true dislike and/or hate!
I think I keep coming back to China for the same reason so many Chinese go to Canada – there are better opportunities. One part of my skill set is in demand here, whereas in Canada, not one of my skills is valued and I end up in poverty. If only China gave the same rights to foreigners that we give to them… but that is a separate conversation… and probably another reason to hate China…
Myself, my feelings about it are very complex. They do employ me…, but like the US, they need a slap down in a serious way and to be held accountable for their actions.
I don’t have any advice. But it’s clear to read that you are at the tipping point where you either fall one way and make a huge change, or fall in and embrace where you are. Got to say, between the ankle and the 24/7 construction, I would have been insane by now! You have a great ability to get along, as alluded to in your title , “The Good Villager” .
I think you’ve put that exactly right – it is mostly definitely a tipping point. I also think if I get a lobotomy, things will work out great! But seriously, the sleep stuff is probably the most important to me, health-wise. I need to find out when that new project will start and what the plan is for the work schedule. Thanks for your kind words
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My dear T,
I can’t say whether your job is worth it or whether you should just swallow the way they’re treating you to the female and the foreigner indignities eg the extra 4 weeks and no pay…
but
I don’t think I could live somewhere that deprives me of my sleep night after night after night…
and
I’m sorry to hear that Canada doesn’t respect your credentials but at least you’d have electricity and be able to sign in every time for your correspondence course
and too
I’m not a fortune teller but in my few years on this planet every time a friend has fallen and injured a leg or ankle its been a sign that its time to move on…
Wouldn’t that be interesting if it were found that a leg or ankle injury was a signal of needed change? Have you had many friends experience this kind of thing?
I’ve got some thinking to do. One thing that I know is always true: something will happen
I can deal with anything other thanng cold when in my own apt or house. Reading about you having no heat at below freezing temps gives me flashbacks to living that way for several months when my heat got turned off one summer (in MA) and I didn’t have the money to turn it on when the temps dropped in October. Silly as this may sound..at the time the heat was turned off I had 100 other BIGGER probs that I couldn’t handle because I was so umcomfortable within my living space. I wonder if this isnt partly what is going on in your life now too…and I think the ankle compounds the discomfort to a degree too.
You strike me as a very bright woman who thinks analytically and makes wise choices overall. I wish you well in the decision making process.
Thank you for your kind words and insights. I think you are right about the overwhelm that results when too many things are going on at once at a time when the basics (i.e., home/place where one is supposed to feel safe and relaxed) are not covered or comfortable.
I think if I could separate work from living, the issues would be more manageable, but things really feel woven together (even if they are not, in reality).
The durned ankle! One of the things I like to do when faced with a major decision is go on a long walk in nature (if possible), breathe in fresh air, and think. Not being able to do that has definitely affected the process.
I feel confident that I’ll make a decision about the situation soon. Truly, there have been worse situations, and they ended up resolved one way or another
China is china for me ……. being an indian I am naturally suspicious about it ~ rightly or wrongly – no idea.
am unable to approve your comment on my resolve due to some glitch of wordpress software …….. approve and reply not working
Yes, I seem to keep having issues with the various WP functions. But your comment here worked!
I try to get as much information on China as I can – what locals think about it, and how it is perceived abroad. I was recently watching a documentary on China’s relationship with its Asian neighbours. China and the US have a lot of strong parallels as major world economies, whether they realize it or not – and both countries have their supporters and opponents. Some countries seem to really embrace swift, but subtle, Chinese infiltration, and see the short-term economic benefits while ignoring what demands might be made of them later on. Other countries and groups are outspoken with regard to what China has marched in and tried to enforce. There has been a lot of religious persecution outside of China by the Chinese government, which is bizarre and reminiscent of the way Americans often march into places and try to enforce democracy (or take it away) with fingers on the triggers of their guns.
But I think, as with all countries, one-on-one, you can meet some really great, open people. Government, and its policies, are another story.
Many Chinese people live in India and I have few friends among them …… most are just like people from any place on this planet.
I believe that there are seldom issues among the people, mostly it is among governments ,,,,, and there would most times be economics or industry behind these
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What a very complex situation, you have been given good advice and suggestions from your blogging community it must be a comfort for you to have that support. When the ankle gets better I think all other decisions will fall into place. Best wishes for what ever decision you make
I have to say, this blogging community has been and continues to be amazing in so many ways. From my wanderings and communications with the amazing people I’ve met, I’ve noticed that so many (including myself) do turn to this unique union of people for support, advice, humour, idea vetting, and so much more.
Thank you for your good wishes. The ankle is slowly getting better, and I’m sure I’ll have made a decision within the next few weeks
Look forwaard to following your journey
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